June 25

Myla (a first-grader): "Mr. Jason, can I touch your hair?!"

Mr. Jason: "Well, you're already crawling all over me, so I suppose so."

Myla: "Ah! It feels like cow poop!"

Mr. Jason: "How would you know what cow poop feels like?"

Myla: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!"

End of Year

Yesterday was the last day of school. Without hyperbole, three students showed up. We, inexplicably, watched "Paris Hilton's My New BFF." So, we uncerimoniously concluded my first year teaching.

This summer I'll be tutoring students of all ages at a homeless shelter, so there should be a few gems. Be sure to check back.

-JS

June 9

[I told Destiny I'd give her two quarters if she threw away my trash. Her reply:]

Destiny: "Fifty-cent?! I can't even wipe my ass with fifty-cent!"

June 8

Keith: "Does anybody have a sheet of paper?"
Niesha: "What do I look like, an Office Max?"
Keith: "Who'd go to Office Max for one piece of paper?"
Niesha: "What are you going to do for this piece of paper?"
Keith: "Come on."

June 8

[While taking the exam.]

Natasha: "What the fuck did Thomas [Jefferson, I can only assume] do?"

June 5

These have been from the past few weeks:

Alexis: "Vicelord!"

Mr. Sebacher: [looking over his glasses] "Alexis..."

Alexis: "That's not gangbanging."

Clendell: "Everything's gangbanging to Mr. Sebacher."

Mr. Sebacher: "That's right."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher what gang are you in?"

Mr. Sebacher: "I'm not in a gang, obviously."

Alexis: "What's obvious about that? You could be in a gang and just keep it a secret."

Clendell: "I'll bet Mr. Sebacher leads a double life. Look at him. He's like Peter Parker."

Mr. Sebacher: "Let's all refocus our attention right now onto pronoun agreement."

Tonnee: "If you were in a gang would you be a Vicelord?"

Mr. Sebacher: "I wouldn't be in a gang in the first place. They are very dangerous."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher wouldn't be a Vicelord."

Mr. Sebacher: "Alright everyone."

Alexis: "He'd be a Nicelord."

[beat]

Mr. Sebacher: "That was very clever, Alexis."

***

Tierra: "Mr. Sebacher what's your girlfriend's name?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Let's not discuss my personal life right now."

Alexis: "Why not? Why are you turning red?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Because I blush easily."

Deandre: "I wish black people could blush. I'd be blushin' all the time."

Mr. Sebacher: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Tierra: [impersonating a white person] "Sharon."

Alexis: [same] "Jill."

Mr. Sebacher: [Erupts into laughter.]

Tierra: [same] "Katie."

Alexis: "Janice."

Tierra: "Martha."

Mr. Sebacher: [Can't control himself.]

Alexis: "Becky."

Tierra: "Darlene."

Mr. Sebacher: [Tears streaming down his face] "Stop! Stop! We have to get to work."

Clendell: "Get a hold of yourself Mr. Sebacher."

Deandre: "He's really red now."

***

Tierra: "What's your OG's name?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Denise."

Tierra: "That's my auntie's name. I don't like her, though. You cool with your OG?"

Mr. Sebacher: "She's a saint."

Adam: "She is?"

[beat]

Mr. Sebacher: "Yes. My mother is an actual saint."

Adam: "That's impressive."

***

[Doing grammar work out of their workbooks. One of the sentences said something about senators voting on something.]

Marquita: "Mr. Sebacher! Did I do this correctly?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Yes. Good job."

Marquita: [Goes absolutely nuts, out of nowhere:] "I fucking hate senators! Wasting all our money! They only care about themselves!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Marquita, that has little-to-nothing to do with the assignment."

Marquita: "SPENDING ALL OUR MONEY ON THEIR KIDS!!!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Marquita, calm down. That doesn't make any sense."

***

[For some reason.]

Tierra: [to me] "...SHITHEAD."

Mr. Sebacher: [laughing] "Did you just call me a shithead?"

Tierra: "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Mr. Sebacher: "I forgive you, but why?"

Tierra: "I don't know. I take it back."