Funny Things My Students Say

Nov. 18

2009-11-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

There haven't been many posts because we have better students this year. A mixed blessing...

All the same:
Danisha: "Marquita you bitch! I mean...I'm sorry Mr. Sebacher, it's--Marquita you tramp. I mean..."

Sep 25

2009-09-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tobin: "So, what's good about America's heathcare system?"
Terrion: "Today's Thursday."
Shannie: "Fuck the po-lice!"

Sep 25

2009-09-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

[From the past week.]

Kenesha: "I'm freezing."
[The class generally agrees.]
Vernon: "It's cold as Hell in here."
Mr. Sebacher: "Vernon, that hardly makes any sense."
Vernon: "See-nok-with-the-dok-with-the--"
Mr. Sebacher: "--'it's as cold as Hell is cold.'"
Vernon: "Maaaan, why you always gotta treat me like that."
Mr. Sebacher: "Is that gang related?"
Teosha: "You ain't cold, Mr. Sebacher?"
Mr. Sebacher: "Not at all."
Kenesha: "Why y'all never get cold?"
Teosha: "Yeah, y'all never cold. Y'all be jogging in the winter in shorts."
[The class generally agrees.]
Mr. Sebacher: "Are we talking about white people, when you say 'y'all' are you talking about white people?"
Teosha: "Well it's true!"
Kenesha: "With your big dogs jogging in the winter."
Robert: "Why do white people jog so much? Why y'all got so much energy?"
Mr. Sebacher: "I guess I don't know."
Teosha: "Do you go jogging?"
Mr. Sebacher: "Yes--I'll probably go jogging after school."
Kenesha: "In shorts?"
Mr. Sebacher: "Always."

[Regarding meditation.]
Terrion: "Breathe in and out for ten minutes?! I ain't breathing in and out for no ten minutes."

Sep 24

2009-09-23T12:43:00.001-07:00

[From yesterday]

Teosha: "Mr. Sebacher! This [magazine] is in Spanish! I'm black! I don't speak Spanish!"

Sep 24

2009-09-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

[After Mr. Tobin describes the dizzying complexities of the Egyptians building the pyramids.]
Ernest: "Man, they're dumb."

Sep 4

2009-09-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

The last few posts were from my work at the Lena Washington Homeless Shelter. School will begin Tuesday, and I'm sure I'll have much to post.

Thanks for reading, all.

-JS

July 23

2009-07-24T23:39:00.001-07:00

Sarah: "Do they have cars in England?"

Mr. Jason: "Yes."

Sarah: "Do they eat the same food we do?"
Mr. Jason: "Mostly, they eat a lot more gravy."
Issac: "What?"
Ronnie: "What?"

Mr. Jason: "They eat a lot more gravy. It's sort of a joke."

Issac: "We don't never understand your jokes, Mr. Jason."
Mr. Jason: "It's OK."

Sarah: "Do they have pop in England?"
Mr. Jason: "Yes."

Sarah: "Do they have tables?"

Mr. Jason: "In England?"
Sarah: "Yeah."

Mr. Jason: "No."

Ronnie: "What?"

Mr. Jason: "There are no tables in England. And no chairs, either."

Sarah: "How do they eat?"
Mr. Jason: "They put their heads right on the plates and eat like that."

Sarah: "Gross! Hahahahahahaha!"

Ronnie: "Hahahahahahaha!"

Issac: "Are you serious?"
Sarah: "Yeah."

Mr. Jason: "I'm serious."

July 23

2009-07-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Iyana: [to Javantay] "You're too big to be in fifth grade."

Javantay: [to Iyana] "You're to dumb to be in third grade."

Mr. Jason: "That's not very nice."

Iyana: "Your teeth are too yellow to be in fifth grade."

Mr. Jason: "Iyana, what does Javantay's teeth have to do with his education?"

Javantay: "Your mom's too dumb to be in third grade."

Mr. Jason: "Now that doesn't even make any sense."

Iyana: "I don't know Mr. Jason. If your teeth are bad you shouldn't be in school."

Mr. Jason: "Javantay's teeth look fine to me. What if someone didn't have any teeth?"

Iyana: "I'd kick them out of school."

Mr. Jason: "Why?"

Iyana: "Quit asking so many questions!"

Mr. Jason: "Sorry, I can't help myself."

June 25

2009-06-25T20:26:00.001-07:00

Myla (a first-grader): "Mr. Jason, can I touch your hair?!"

Mr. Jason: "Well, you're already crawling all over me, so I suppose so."

Myla: "Ah! It feels like cow poop!"

Mr. Jason: "How would you know what cow poop feels like?"

Myla: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!"

End of Year

2009-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of school. Without hyperbole, three students showed up. We, inexplicably, watched "Paris Hilton's My New BFF." So, we uncerimoniously concluded my first year teaching.

This summer I'll be tutoring students of all ages at a homeless shelter, so there should be a few gems. Be sure to check back.

-JS

June 9

2009-06-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

[I told Destiny I'd give her two quarters if she threw away my trash. Her reply:]

Destiny: "Fifty-cent?! I can't even wipe my ass with fifty-cent!"

June 8

2009-06-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Keith: "Does anybody have a sheet of paper?"
Niesha: "What do I look like, an Office Max?"
Keith: "Who'd go to Office Max for one piece of paper?"
Niesha: "What are you going to do for this piece of paper?"
Keith: "Come on."

June 8

2009-06-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

[While taking the exam.]

Natasha: "What the fuck did Thomas [Jefferson, I can only assume] do?"

June 5

2009-06-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

These have been from the past few weeks:

Alexis: "Vicelord!"

Mr. Sebacher: [looking over his glasses] "Alexis..."

Alexis: "That's not gangbanging."

Clendell: "Everything's gangbanging to Mr. Sebacher."

Mr. Sebacher: "That's right."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher what gang are you in?"

Mr. Sebacher: "I'm not in a gang, obviously."

Alexis: "What's obvious about that? You could be in a gang and just keep it a secret."

Clendell: "I'll bet Mr. Sebacher leads a double life. Look at him. He's like Peter Parker."

Mr. Sebacher: "Let's all refocus our attention right now onto pronoun agreement."

Tonnee: "If you were in a gang would you be a Vicelord?"

Mr. Sebacher: "I wouldn't be in a gang in the first place. They are very dangerous."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher wouldn't be a Vicelord."

Mr. Sebacher: "Alright everyone."

Alexis: "He'd be a Nicelord."

[beat]

Mr. Sebacher: "That was very clever, Alexis."

***

Tierra: "Mr. Sebacher what's your girlfriend's name?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Let's not discuss my personal life right now."

Alexis: "Why not? Why are you turning red?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Because I blush easily."

Deandre: "I wish black people could blush. I'd be blushin' all the time."

Mr. Sebacher: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Tierra: [impersonating a white person] "Sharon."

Alexis: [same] "Jill."

Mr. Sebacher: [Erupts into laughter.]

Tierra: [same] "Katie."

Alexis: "Janice."

Tierra: "Martha."

Mr. Sebacher: [Can't control himself.]

Alexis: "Becky."

Tierra: "Darlene."

Mr. Sebacher: [Tears streaming down his face] "Stop! Stop! We have to get to work."

Clendell: "Get a hold of yourself Mr. Sebacher."

Deandre: "He's really red now."

***

Tierra: "What's your OG's name?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Denise."

Tierra: "That's my auntie's name. I don't like her, though. You cool with your OG?"

Mr. Sebacher: "She's a saint."

Adam: "She is?"

[beat]

Mr. Sebacher: "Yes. My mother is an actual saint."

Adam: "That's impressive."

***

[Doing grammar work out of their workbooks. One of the sentences said something about senators voting on something.]

Marquita: "Mr. Sebacher! Did I do this correctly?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Yes. Good job."

Marquita: [Goes absolutely nuts, out of nowhere:] "I fucking hate senators! Wasting all our money! They only care about themselves!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Marquita, that has little-to-nothing to do with the assignment."

Marquita: "SPENDING ALL OUR MONEY ON THEIR KIDS!!!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Marquita, calm down. That doesn't make any sense."

***

[For some reason.]

Tierra: [to me] "...SHITHEAD."

Mr. Sebacher: [laughing] "Did you just call me a shithead?"

Tierra: "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Mr. Sebacher: "I forgive you, but why?"

Tierra: "I don't know. I take it back."

May 27

2009-05-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

Darius: "My granmamma is 90 years old. I wish she would be a hooker, I'd beat her ass."
Mr. Sebacher: "Why would you want your grandmother to be a prostitute?"
Darius: "NO! I didn't say that. I said, I wish my grandmamma would be a hooker. Why you always make everything a grammar issue?"
Mr. Sebacher: "What?"
Darius: "No. You don't know what you're talking about."
[pause]
Mr. Sebacher: "OK. You're right."

May 27

2009-05-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Tonnee: [exasperated]: "I don't get it."
Mr. Sebacher: "How can I help you?"
Tonnee: "Naw, it's alright."

May 27

2009-05-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Adam: "I'm so bored I wanna punch a baby, on my life."
Deandre: "That's messed up."

2009-05-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

Deandre: "Ringa, did you do Ms. T's work?"
Ringa: [gives a look.]
Deandre: "On my life! She's gonna have a BF."
Mr. Sebacher: "What's a 'BF'?"
Deandre: "A bitch fest."
Mr. Sebacher: "That's not very nice."
[everyone laughs.]
Ringa: "Awe, man. I love you guys. All my boys on the West Side. Teachers too! No homo. Y'all's some cool dudes."
Mr. Tobin: "Thanks."
Mr. Sebacher: "I know."
Deandre: "Except these females."
Alexis: "These bitch ass niggas be trippin, on my life."
Mr. Tobin: "This is a trip-free zone."
Ringa: "Me and Deandre are Batman and Robin, what y'all's?"
Alexis: "Shit, we Marquita and Alexis."
Ringa: "She's got issues, yo."
Mr. Tobin: "We all do."

May 20

2009-05-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher! Marquita hit me with a spoon."
Mr. Sebacher: "Where?"
Alexis: "By the door."
Mr. Sebacher: "No, where on your body?"
Alexis: "Right here on my arm."
Mr. Sebacher: "That's a spork, actually."
Alexis: "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Mr. Sebacher: "I'm sorry she hit you. What do you want me to do about it?"
Alexis: "Take that fucker away from her."
Mr. Sebacher: "The spork?"
Alexis: "Yeah. She's just a tramp."
Mr. Sebacher: "That's not very nice. She's your best friend."
Alexis: "I know."

May 19

2009-05-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Deandre: "Me and Mr. Sebacher are rolldogs."
Mr. Sebacher: "What's a 'rolldog'?"
Deandre: "We roll together. We homeboys."

Mr. Sebacher: "But...we don't roll together."

Deandre: "Yeah, you right about that, Mr. Sebacher. But we homeboys, though."

Mr. Sebacher: "Okay."

May 19

2009-05-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

[playing 20 Questions at the end of class]
Tedmund: "Is it a car?"
Mr. Sebacher: "No. Close, though."
Sam: "Is it a horse with wheels?"

May 13

2009-05-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

[from an essay on Cleopatra]

"Caligula later executed Psolemy Caesarion, and Cleopatra's other sons simply diappear from history and are assumed to have died."

May 4

2009-05-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Deandre: "Man if I had a school, Joe, It'd be huge. It'd take up three city blocks. I have roaches in there."
Mr. Sebacher: "Roaches?"
Deandre: "And rats. So the kids could play with them. It'd be a grammer school inside a high school."
Mr. Sebacher: "Why do you think kids would enjoy playing with rats of all things?"
Deandre: "I don't know, Mr. Sebacher. Why you so nosey?"
Mr. Sebacher: "Just curious."
Karessa: "That shit is not normal."
Deandre: "No, I'm just playin'. If I saw roaches in my school I'd be pissed. I'd tell them to shut that school down, blow it up, make a big hole. Ants are okay, though. When I see ants I light them on fire."
Karessa: "That's fucked up."
Mr. Sebacher: "Yeah Deandre, that's pretty messed up."

2009-05-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

May 4

2009-05-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

Deandre: "I watch Dr. Phil."
Mr. Tobin: "Has your life changed?"
Deandre: "Hell no. He just cusses me out."

May 4

2009-05-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Robert: "Mr. Sebacher, you sound like the CTA [Chicago Transportation Authority] guy on the bus. 'This, is Pulaski. Doors open on the left at Pulaski.'"
Mr. Sebacher: "Very good, Robert."

May 4

2009-05-04T09:38:00.001-07:00

[Studlisha is banging a bottle of frozen water against her desk.]
Deandre: "Get the fuck over here. Stop that now."
Mr. Sebacher: "Deandre, let's not swear. Lisha, quiet down."
Deandre: "I'm sorry, Mr. Sebacher. She's jus' makin' noise in my classroom. If this was my classroom, I'd be cussing them out. This is my class, why does everyone gotta keep on makin' noise?"
Mr. Sebacher: "I don't know, Deandre."

May 4

2009-05-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

Tonnee: "I got that swine flu."
Kimberly: "You do?"
Tonnee: "No, I'm just playin'. I don't have swine flu."

Apr 29

2009-04-29T09:14:00.001-07:00

Mya: [coughs]
Adam: "You have that swan flu?"

Apr 28

2009-04-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

[The students are doing a history project in Mr. Tobin's class on a particular president.]
Marquita: "Mya you DUMB."
Mya: "I'm doing...John Adams."
Marquita: "Why are y'all doing white presidents? Outta all the black presidents we have."
Deandre: "What?"
Marquita: "Man you look at all these presidents, they're all ugly and OLD."
Mya: "Bill Clinton was cute."
Marquita: "Y'all know Obama used to did cocaine?"
Christopher: "No way."
Clendell: "Obama has a new kind of weed comin' out called 'White House.'"
Christopher: "You're all ignorant as hell. You think Obama's walking around all day high?"
Marquita: "He used to smoke, though."

Apr 27

2009-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Brandon: "Mr. Sebacher, you like Whoopi Goldberg?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Is that a euphamism for something?"

Tierra: "Are you blowin' him?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Excuse me?"

Brandon: "You wanna do Whoopi!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Hardly, Brandon. Have a seat."

Brandon: "I'd do Oprah. Have Oprah suck on that thing. You know she took lessons."

Mr. Sebacher: "Class is dismissed."

Apr 13

2009-04-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

[Apparently, Tonnee accidentally bumps into Adam's desk.]
Adam: "DAMN. Who do you think you are?
Tonnee: "I'm Princess, bitch."

Apr 1

2009-04-01T12:21:00.001-07:00

Darius: "Mr. Sebacher, can I axt you a question?"
Mr. Sebacher: "You just did."
Darius: "Can I axt you two questions?"
Mr. Sebacher: "That is your second question."
Darius: "Whaaaat?"

Apr 1

2009-04-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tobin: "Saul, sit down. Let's begin."
Robert: "C'mon Mr. Tobin, don't tell him to sit like a dog."
Mr. Tobin: "You don't tell your dog, 'Let's begin.'"
Destiny: "I tell my dog, 'Stop lookin' at me.'"

Apr 1

2009-04-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

Adam: "Did you hear about the ShamWow guy?"
Mr. Tobin: "What?"
Adam: "The ShamWow guy."
Kileasha: "He got arrested for battering a hooker."
Deandre: "Maan, fuck that."
Mr. Tobin: "Who?"
Clendell: "That ShamWow works amazing."
Adam: "How does it do that, Mr. Sebacher?"

Mar 31

2009-03-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

[Mr. Tobin's class is discussing WWI]

Mr. Tobin: "...Woodrow Wilson."

Robert: "Maan, who the fff is Woodrow Wilson?"

Mr. Tobin: "He was the president during WWI."

Robert: "That was like two-hundred-million years ago."

Mr. Tonin: "Close."

Robert: "Wasn't my president."

Mar 30

2009-03-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

[at the end of class]

Mr. Sebacher: "Alright everyone--sit down. Class is not over yet."

Evan: "I'm finna rotate out this jam."

Mr. Sebacher: "Can anyone translate?"
Jacquez: "He's finna be a paper doll."

Mr. Sebacher: "A paper do--"

Jacquez: "He's finna to cut out."

Mr. Sebacher: "Ah. Very clever."

Mar 30

2009-03-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Mr. Sebacher: "...and so you see, Petrarch really re-invented, or re-discovered the Western concept of love as we know it."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher, we never know what you're saying."

Mr. Sebacher: "Now you know how I feel."

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher you tweakin'."

Tierra: "Pssh. Man, you a LAME!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Exactly."

Mar 24

2009-03-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Robert: "You're so smart, can you spell 'finna' [sic]?"
Mr. Sebacher: "What?"
Robert: "F-I-N-A. Beat you. Now who's smart?"
Mr. Sebacher: "What's going on?"

Mar 24

2009-03-24T12:29:00.001-07:00

Mr. Tobin: "WWI trenches could be hundreds of miles long. This is where soldiers hid--they spent months in a trench. They got wet and dirty and infested with rats. Men lived there, slept there, there were compartments to eat and sleep."
Robert: "I need one of those."

Mar 24

2009-03-24T09:41:00.001-07:00

Deandre: "Maaan, Mr. Tobin, you didn't give me any candy for my birfday, you just gave me fifteen cent."

Mar 24

2009-03-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Ringa: "Man, chess is the game. I learnt that on the computer when I was in Iowa."
[I don't know why this is so funny.]

Mar 23

2009-03-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Alexis: "Mr. Sebacher, can I go to the bathroom? I need to fornicate."
Mr. Sebacher: "Excuse me?"
Tierra: "She needs to SHIT."
Mr. Sebacher: "Do you know what fornicate means?"
Tierra: "Alexis, you'd blow out the room if you fornicated in there."
Mr. Sebacher: "Alright, everyone."
Tierra: "So would you, Mr. Sebacher!"
Mr. Sebacher: "I would wait until you're in the privacy of your home to fornicate."
Alexis: "I don't shit in the school. Do you shit in the school Mr. Sebacher? I don't."
Mr. Sebacher: "Let's all concentrate on quotation marks now."

Mar 23

2009-03-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

Vernon: [raps incoherently]
Mr. Sebacher: "Vernon, no rapping in school."
Vernon: "Mr Sebok rock nock-nock, dickity-dock, sock-em-bok--"
Mr. Sebacher: "Does anyone know what's going on?"
Shannon: "He's a bay-bay boy."
Mr. Sebacher: "What?"
Danyl: "Ghetto."
Mr. Sebacher: "Ah."

Mar 20

2009-03-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

Mr. Sebacher: "Karessa, I like your hairdo."
Karessa: "It's a weave."
Mr. Sebacher: "I know."

Mar 20

2009-03-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

Deandre: [for some reason] "Vicelord! Vicelord!"
Mr. Sebacher: "Deandre, no gangbanging."
Deandre: "Alright, I feel you, Mr. Sebacher. I apologize."
Mr. Sebacher: "I forgive you."
Deandre: "Am I still student of the week next week?"

More classics

2009-03-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

Deandre: "It's hot as fuck in here!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Deandre, that doesn't make any sense."

Deandre: "Why not?"

---

Jonathan: "It's cold as hell in here!"

Mr. Sebacher: "Dante's Hell was freezing."

Jonathan: "What?"

Mr. Sebacher: "Dante, the Italian poet, who--"

Jonathan: "Who cares."

Mr. Sebacher: "I do."

---

Marquita: "I want to write a poem, but I have writer's block."

Mr. Sebacher: "You could write a poem about me!"

Marquita: "Who'd want to write a poem about you?"

Mr. Sebacher: "It could begin, 'Jason's hair is golden, like the sun."

Marquita: "OK."

[She gets to work.]

Marquita: "I'm done."

Mr. Sebacher: [takes the paper and reads aloud.] "'Jason's hair is golden, like the sun. But who really cares.' Nice."

Mar 19

2009-03-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Niesha: "Mr. Sebacher."
Mr. Sebacher: "Whaddup?"
Destiny: "You a gangsta."
Mr. Sebacher: "Don't you forget it."

Mar 19

2009-03-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

[The semester started two-and-a-half months ago. Students are silently working on grammar thirty minutes into class. Out of the blue.]
Natasha: "Mr. ... uh, uh..."
Mr. Sebacher: "Mr. Sebacher."
Natasha: "What class is this?"
Mr. Sebacher: "English. Welcome."

Mar 19

2009-03-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Niesha: "Saul, I'm going to the bathroom."
Saul: [smiles]

Classics

2009-03-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. Sebacher: "Keith, pull up your pants! They're defying the laws of physics."
Keith: "De-what?"
---
Mr. Sebacher: "Kimberly, roll down that pant leg. There's no gangbanging around here."
Kimberly: [rolling down her pant leg] "Oh, Mr. Sebacher."
---
Mr. Sebacher: "Vernon! Quit flashing gang sings!"
Vernon: "It's a peace sign."
Mr. Sebacher: "Everything's a gang sign."
Vernon: "It means no killing."
Mr. Sebacher: "Whatever."
---
Mr. Sebacher: "I'm going to wait for everyone to stop talking so I can proceed."
Deandre: "C'mon, Mr. Sebacher! We want to learn!"
---
Alexis [to Marquita]: "Hey Chief."
Mr. Sebacher: "No gangbangning in my class."
Marquita: That's just a street name. It doesn't have to be about a gang."
Alexis: "Yeah the Indians have chiefs were they gangbangers?"
Mr. Sebacher: [erupts into laughter]
Alexis: "Firefighters have chiefs are they gangbangers?"

Mar 19

2009-03-19T12:28:00.001-07:00

Ms. Tsupros: "Aaron if you don't get to work I'm going to give you a noogie."
Aaron: "What?! You're going to give me some nookie!"

Mar 19

2009-03-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tobin: "Education is about making choices, so you can grow up and make choices in your life, so you can be a teacher or a politician or a hitman."
[class laughs]
Mr. Tobin: "And you're not stuck working at McDonald's or Tuffy's or Roto Rooter for the rest of your life."
Destiny: "What'd you say about Roto Rooter?!"
Mr. Tobin: "I--"
Destiny: "Don't you say anything bad about Roto Rooter. Because my gran'mama answers the phone at Roto Rooter."
Mr. Tobin: "Ok, it's--"
Destiny: "So I don't wanna hear you say anything bad about Roto Rooter."